The Sex Thread (With Code Names)

This post needs an introduction:

This is the very first time we are sharing a thread from our private facebook group here on the blog.
I don’t do this lightly. Mama’s Comfort Camp is a closed facebook group, a private safe haven for moms. It exists in order to create a space safe enough for mothers to show up in their most vulnerable moments and get the support and validation that make our lives easier  dissolving guilt and shame. For that to work, the space needs to be 100% confidential.
But what do you do when there is a thread in the group that can start changing the cultural conversation? (Ambitious much? Why yes, indeed!). And on a smaller scale, what if you  really want to show the thread to someone not in the group? Like say your DH? And what if he knows some people in the group and you’d be breaking confidentiality by showing him their words?
What if you want to show him what you wrote but don’t want him to know it was you?

Tam TaDam! Code Names to the Rescue!
The following thread was clearly too important to not share outside the group. So I invited the mamas to have fun picking code names for themselves, while making it clear that anybody who would rather not have her words included in the public post is perfectly welcome to withhold them. I will NEVER EVER publish anything on this blog without the explicit permission from the mama who wrote the words in the group, and there is zero pressure to participate in blog posts.

So now that we are clear on that, let me just say that I’m using a code name too, except for those times when I post in my role of Camp Founder and Keeper.
So: If you are a mama reading this for the first time, you are in for a treat of unshaming.
If you are a husband or partner reading this, please give yourself permission to have all kinds of uncomfortable feelings as you read this candid discussion. If the mama in your life has asked you to read this, it means she loves you, and this can be the start of a very important conversation.
So please turn on the self-kindness, everyone.
Here we go:

    • Joey: So DH is miffed bc I don’t want to have sex tonight. I spent all day dealing with two small kids stuck inside while he worked from home. Then I dealt with anxiety during the high winds and rain from the hurricane. He understands that I can’t just shut off the anxiety, and he’s taking it really well, but I just find it so frustrating when our needs differ so much. Between the kids, nursing hormones, my anti anxiety med, and every day stress, my libido is ZERO. I can’t be the only mom who feels this way.
      October 29 at 10:12pm · Like
    • Carli: You are not the only mum who feels this way!!!!!!
      And – did you type this in bed lying next to him?
      October 29 at 10:19pm · Like ·2
    • Terry: Not alone….
      October 29 at 10:50pm · Like
    • Ella: OMG, so with you on this one. Thank you thank you thank you for bringing this up.
      October 29 at 11:03pm · Like · 1
    • Eleanor: So so so with you. A couple of times a week as ideal????
      My husband would be in heaven if I could make it to a couple a times a year at the rate I am going. Its good to know I’m not alone. And DH has amazing patience and understanding. But its got to the point where I am having to take action now as it it is really starting to get to him. So coming up are accupuncture, chinese herbs, counselling, potential med change (welbutrin is supposed to increase libido, who knew!). So will report here on progress – if any. In the meantime, good to know I’m in the best of company :(:(
      October 29 at 11:11pm · Like · 6
    • Sunny: You’re not alone. I’m with you on this as well.
      October 29 at 11:14pm · Like
    • Ella: I wanted to add that I’m no longer on meds, and I think that while the meds are a certainly a factor in decreasing libido, the main problem has more to do about how women and men process stress differently.
      I think men get horny in response to stress, and women lose all access to feeling sexy. This is yet one more of those cruel jokes by mother nature, who is a total sexist pig in my book…
      October 29 at 11:18pm · Like · 15
    • Carli: I say a couple of times a year should do me!
      October 29 at 11:24pm · Like · 7
    • Missy: In my experience, sometimes if I can do the first step, like offering to make out like we just met, so no sex guaranteed, I find myself slipping out of mommy back into married woman self. And of course, if I find a bit of time to read some smut, I’m the one convincing him he isn’t too tired 😉;) You know, when I realize we missed sex all summer, oops. Lol!
      October 29 at 11:31pm via mobile · Like · 5
    • Eleanor: Tried that Missy – no go. I think it would take bloody Sean Connery or Doctor Who or some such realization of a fantasy to wake ‘up this here dame. But even that is doubtful. Or get me very very drunk. At which point I’m darn near useless for sex anyway.
      October 30 at 12:10am · Like · 3
    • Eleanor:  More seriously, am I totally whacko for finding the absolute amazingness of my toddlers skin and sweetly innocent hugs and kisses and snuggles to fulfill what limited needs I have these days for snuggle comfort? The DH’s unshaved faced and somewhat differently smelly bod and degree of hair….well, you get the contrast.
      October 30 at 12:13am · Like · 11
    • Lisa: ZERO here too!
      October 30 at 6:20am · Like · 1
    • Animata: One of the things I have felt is that after a long day of kids climbing over me, tugging on me, nursing on me, that I just want my body to myself in bed. When DH tries to make advances I am just too worn out to give him any attention. (The good thing about just having a baby is that I have 6 weeks here where he won’t even try!)
      October 30 at 9:17am · Like · 7
    • Cecillia: so with you on this!!
      October 30 at 10:37am via mobile · Like · 1
    • Rachel: I so understand this too. I vividly remember feeling this way back when I was still married. The idea of being touched was so awful, so distasteful, that I remember at one point yelling at my then-husband that I didn’t care if I never had sex again. It was a huge, tension-filled, very unpleasant issue for us that actually pre-dated my son’s birth. The ironic thing is that now, when I have no partner, my interest in sex has returned in a big way! I think for me that nothing resembling a libido existed until I had stopped pumping breast milk when my son was 3.
      October 30 at 11:01am · Like
    • Yael Daphna Saar Wow, evrybody, I just want to hug you so much. This is such a deeply painful thing, isn’t it?
      I am so grateful that we have this safe space to talk freely about this. It is so important that we change the cultural conversation about what it means to be a good wife and mother, and what are the normal (even if less than ideal) variations. this is such a lovely shame dissolving thread. Thank you.
      October 30 at 11:10am · Like · 8
    • Joey: Omgoodness. I am breathing a HUGE sigh of relief. It helps so much to know I’m not alone. I’m with Rachel. There are times when the thought of having sex is repulsive. Usually when my stress level is high – and then there are times when it’s great. So frustrating. The last time I felt those “take me now” butterflies was when DH and I went to Vegas for a weekend. He says I was different without the kids. I say he Was different, too. He lavished me with attention. Took me out to dinners, brought me breakfast in bed. Is it any wonder my libido was back? It’s such a chicken and the egg thing, isn’t it? They feel romantic when they’ve had sex. We want to have sex when they’ve been romantic. Arghhhhhh!
      October 30 at 12:22pm via mobile · Like · 12
    • Joey: Also, I feel terrible for him, bc I know sex is how he feels connected to me and loved. I hate that I can’t give that to him right now.
      October 30 at 12:23pm via mobile · Like · 2
    • Cecillia: i feel that too….he is so sad when we dont and feels not connected.
      October 30 at 12:25pm via mobile · Like
    • Ella: a huge permission blanket to all of us.
      Eleanor, you are right about all of this, the only thing that I find helpful in this situation is to give myself the space to not want sex until I want it again, usually around the same time in my menstral cycle.
      October 30 at 12:42pm · Like · 1
    • Sarah: I feel for you….but I’m in the opposite situation…my sex drive is MUCH higher than my husband, and he refuses to do anything about it. Rather than air all my upset here, I may do my own PT post.
      October 30 at 12:43pm · Like · 3
    • Rori: we have a not so funny but kinda wry joke that I “reward” my husband with sex when he’s a “good” daddy or “good” husband…and I try and explain it that when he *gives* me time to myself…when the full load isn’t on me for the house, the parenting, the projects..I feel better about us as a couple…I feel connected and want to connect ..and I can breathe. I also say that my sex drive isn’t *gone* but it is buried so get a shovel and help a girl out!
      October 30 at 2:03pm · Like · 4
    • Amy: This is so incredibly well timed. It’s such a sensitive subject in my house. I am so relieved I am not alone.
      October 30 at 2:18pm via mobile · Like · 4
    • Yael Daphna Saar you know what is the second goal of the Mama’s Comfort Camp, second only to creating a safe haven of community?
      It is changing the cultural conversation about motherhood and normalizing motherhood struggles.
      and the topic of this thread is one heck of a struggle, so common, so painful, and so rarely talked about.
      And I feel compelled to write a blog post on this subject, one that would strictly maintain the safety of the group, so I’m asking your permission to copy this thread into a public blog post and that will be published after I will replace all names with the code name of your choice.
      I want us to be able to show our partners this thread, you know?
      Starting another thread for code names.  I will not publish your words without your explicit consent.
      October 30 at 2:32pm · Like · 10
    • Rori: agreed- go for it!
      October 30 at 3:18pm · Like
    • Helen: There are so many great comments here! Hubby and I are always on different libido schedules. It has gotten to the point of hilarity. I have tried to seduce him in the past and he has tried to seduce me, and rarely are we on the same page. Two things to make you laugh: one day he got upset about our lack of sex until I reminded him HE was the one saying no. He admitted he shouldn’t have listened to the Dr. Laura show that day. Stupid Dr. Laura! Also my friends response to her hubby’s come-on was to hand him the screaming baby.
      October 30 at 8:13pm via mobile · Like · 3
    • Rori: I think it boils down to this in my house. DH looks at sex as a stress relief..and after a long day with 3 not entirely rational people..one of whom fills a diaper at regular intervals..I sometimes look at it as an addition to my overloaded to-do-list. It’s isn’t a relief to have one more person grabbing at me when all I want is solitude and quiet in my head…and sleep…sweet sleep.
      October 30 at 8:40pm · Like · 3
    • Joey: Yael Daphna Saar – Feel free to include my part.
      October 30 at 8:41pm · Like · 1
    • Joey: Rori, I completely agree. After the kids go to bed, I just want to snuggle on the couch with a hot chocolate and watch Grey’s Anatomy. *sigh*
      October 30 at 8:42pm · Like · 3
    • Joey: and Carli – I think I typed my original post while he was brushing his teeth. LOL
      October 30 at 8:42pm · Like · 2
    • Joey: Plus when I come down from nursing the baby at 8pm, he’s playing video games. Nothing says romance like blowing imaginary people up. *rant over*
      October 30 at 8:45pm · Like · 5
    • Shannon: As so many have already said, you are so not alone! Between dealing with an obstinate toddler all day and being pregnant, I have absolutely ZERO interest in sex lately. I feel guilty, but at the same time he works so much lately that there’s no romance in our life either. I have a difficult time having any libido during pregnancy as it is, so I need to be warmed up..ya know? 😉;) And YES to the video games. Nothing gets me hotter than seeing him play video games (sarcasm).
      October 30 at 9:34pm · Like · 2
    • Eleanor:  I love this from Rori: “I also say that my sex drive isn’t *gone* but it is buried so get a shovel and help a girl out!”
      October 31 at 9:47am · Like · 2
    • Eleanor:  it is so so so empowering to just get this out there. I am trying to have a sense of humour about it. But its hard when DH is in a black mood because his wife’s libido is AWOL.
      October 31 at 9:48am · Like · 1
    • Eleanor:  And for what its worth, I am not a stay-at-home mom. Dad is the stay-at-home parent. So I don’t have the excuse of a toddler all over me all day. But I find I still want me body, my peace, my time. I’ve even yelled at him when he’s said that I give more attention to our 2.5 year old that well d’uh, he’s two and DH is a an adult and well just grow up and he should understand. I know its not all about DH though because – and here comes the other taboo topic – I have no inclination to do anything to myself either. There were times in the past when sex was rather too much bother and work, but masturbation was quick, easy and undemanding. Well even that time has long past. So when even I don’t want my body… then you REALLY know my libido is gooooooone!!! :):)
      October 31 at 9:54am · Edited · Like · 1
    • Eleanor:  And the last thing from me for today, because now I should get to work because I only have to make sure we get 3 deliverables out the door today, and we’re in major proposal season, and there are budgets to review etc etc….My husband’s old saying is that the brain is the biggest sex organ. So so so true. So I am seeing my old therapist today, and got a recommendation for a sex therapist from our amazing family doctor. While I give myself the space and permission to feel what I feel, I know its now got to the point where I do need to do something. I love my husband dearly. And this is really really getting to him. This has been going on for a year, so its not like I am over reacting to DH on this one. Its time. As my doctor says – I may not feel like I’m missing out on fun, but the complete absence of any libido at all for such an extended period of time – well, I probably am missing out on some fun :(:(
      October 31 at 10:05am · Edited · Like
    • Mari: sorry, not Like ~ Relate is closer :}
      October 31 at 11:02am via mobile · Like · 1
    • Yael Daphna Saar: Mari, that’s brilliant! FB should have a Relate button.
      October 31 at 11:23am via mobile · Like · 5
    • Rogue: you are not the only one! i coslept with two kids and nursed my son through the night for 16 months and i was beyond “over touched”. add on antidepressants etc… but trust that this is normal and will pass and you will eventually find your old you. xo
      October 31 at 3:04pm · Like · 2
    • Joey: @Rogue Thanks. That helps me feel better a bit. Tonight DH said that the kids and my job get all of me and by the time the day is over there’s nothing left for him. Which is true but I can’t find any way to use less of me up. The whole thing just makes me so damn sad. I’m hoping beyond hope that it really is a phase that will pass.
      October 31 at 10:03pm via mobile · Like · 1
    • Rori: my DH said that to me too once…I lead like a fighter with a right hook ” There isn’t anything left for me either!” -probably not helpful to the endeavor…but I’m not SuperWoman.
      October 31 at 11:50pm · Like
    • Eleanor:  There is only so much of us to go around…and I’m sorry, I do love my DH and I know he has needs too, but the needs of a 2 year old and a 48 year old. Well, the two year old is going to coming out on top of the priority list most of the time. Not always. But generally. None of us would be here if that wasn’t the way it worked. Biology and evolution seem to conspire on this one (at least for women!)
      November 1 at 12:12am · Like · 6
    • Larissa: Eleanor, this is temporary. I hope your husband keeps that in mind. The kids will be little only for a few years. This will pass, and you will have more time and energy for the things you used to do. Also, I just wanted to say that I can relate to this thread so much.
      November 1 at 9:34am · Like · 3
    • Joey: And then he says I’m choosing breastfeeding the baby over intimacy with him. And I feel devastated. I don’t know if he’s right or wrong, but either way it hurts.
      November 1 at 11:30am via mobile · Like · 1
    • Mari: maybe I’m heartless but I told my guy to man up or go to his mommy :[:[
      November 1 at 11:43am via mobile · Like
    • Sunny: Huge hugs Joey. Breastfeeding is such a short time. I think that the hardest part for men to understand is that breasts are not just sexual. They are used to feed a child. You have two little ones who both demand your attention. I so get being touched out. I don’t think that you are choosing breastfeeding the baby over intimacy with him. It’s just a stage in your marriage and during early parenthood. This stage will pass.
      November 1 at 11:49am · Like · 1
    • Animata: Larissa, I understand what you are saying and I know that *we, the mamas* know that this less-than-optimal-intimacy is temporary and look forward to those days when we can devote our attentions once again to those spouses who are such good life partners and caregivers. But I have also had the wake up call from more than one dear friend whose partner has left in the midst of the mommy-time. (Thinking of one friend in particular who has 3 kids, the youngest 2 around the same age as my first 2, whose husband told her that he wasn’t feeling loved and then hooked up with another woman who he thought would be more devoted – my friend not only had the 3 kids, but a cow, a flock of chickens, a gigantic garden, and lived off grid. Gee, no wonder she didn’t have time for her husband! Yet, while I totally empathize with her predicament, as she was putting in the hard work now for a dream of their time together in the future, she no longer has that future to look forward to…) So hard – and I am so glad we are all talking about this!!
      November 1 at 11:52am · Like
    • Yael Daphna Saar about posting this thread on the public blog: I will never publish anything outside this group without the specific permission of the writer.
      I’d like to publish this thread in a blog post, (using code names), as I think this is a hugely important conversation to have in the open. This conversation does not require you to “out” yourself publicly, just to be willing to share your words, without your name attached.
      However, if you’d rather keep your words to just this space, just let me know to keep you out of it. You are under no obligation to participate in blog posts, ever. Your privacy and safety in this forum is more important than anything else. Hugs if this blog post thing is making you uncomfortable.
      November 1 at 12:02pm · Like · 1
    • Joey: And in response to Animata: I see what you’re saying. And though lack of sex is not a permission slip for an affair, I don’t want DH to feel he has to spend the next year (or two) lacking intimacy in his marriage. He has good reason to be upset. I miss it too, of course. But I’m tired of the responsibility to create romance always landing on me. Where’s the romance? Even our bedroom is filled with kid stuff, and I can’t remember the time I was given flowers and time for a bath without any expectations of sex. Sometimes i long for the good old days – we’ve been together since we were 20. Sex is so simple when you’re 20 and childless.
      November 1 at 12:02pm via mobile · Like · 4
    • Rogue: as i think about it. i can’t think of any other mom i’ve spoken to who doesn’t bitch about her lack of sex life. one friend even told me that her IUD (birth control) seemed too expensive compared to the infrequency (read never) that it was used. I think that it’s normal (doesn’t mean good – but common) for men to feel slighted a bit when the babies take our focus. I remember reading somewhere that our husbands go from being number one in our lives to being number two (or three) on a daily basis. this is tough but it will pass. good thing we had lots of pre-marital sex! right?!
      November 1 at 12:49pm · Like · 3
    • Ella: this last point made me gigglesnort my tea. Thank you!
    • Mari: I don’t mind being quoted about anything. it took too long to find my voice not to it go to good use. I’ve been through too much before motherhood to want any responsibility for my partners choices. I need clearly defined boundaries to feel safe & any subtle manipulation of my emotions makes me want to disappear. in that space I’m ok with a person who breaks my boundary to go meet their needs elsewhere & I’ve already been a single mom too so being a single mom with a good father is still better than being a single mom with an abusive ex (who is currently in silence). I’m also the type whose childhood experiences make me defy the practice personally of marriage & is more content with separate living spaces (even separate cities or states). either he can respect my need for respect in this boundary phase, patiently waiting his turn & appreciating when we do have eachother or he really can choose a different way of living. I’ll be ok either way as long as I honor my needs. because when I don’t do that nothing else settles well within me. <3<3
      November 1 at 2:55pm via mobile · Like
    • Joey: I guess I am glad that he feels slighted… That I am still wanted and desired. It’s just so hard to feel romantic when our relationship is that of two daycare workers who uses to date.
      November 1 at 5:20pm via mobile · Like · 5
    • Eleanor:  I think perhaps the really hard question is – what is an acceptable duration of “its just a phase”, “its just temporary”. My personal feeling (maybe harsh – and this is not meant to be critical of anyone’s partners – its just my feeling) is that if one’s partner could not understand and support that in those immediate first few weeks/months that sex was so not anywhere on the list, then they have their own issues going in terms of emphathy, sympathy and understanding, and that they are acting like spoilt children. But at some point (what point? different for everyone, I would think) when life is settling into something like whatever the new normal is with young children, then its is not unreasonable of our partners to think that we should be able to start balancing their needs for us a little more with the needs of our not-quite-so-needy children. In my case our first (and so far only) is now 2.5 years. In the last year we have had sex maybe three or four times in total. I am no longer depressed. Life is just happening – stressful at times, joyous at times. But neither of us is in crisis, depression, dealing with huge stress events etc. I think  Animata raises a perhaps very difficult question, but for me it is valid. DH and I are in no danger of getting to the point of separating over this. But I am acutely aware that a normal, healthy, balanced, successful long-term relationship does include a certain amount of regular sexual intimacy. What = regular is of course a wide open question that depends on the two people involved. But I do feel that regular in our situation needs to be something more than only three or four times a year. We are not the type of couple where its likely to be three or four times a week (the last time we did that was when we were falling in love!). But somewhere in between seems like a good place to be striving for. So while I would not want to suggest that any woman should feel pressurized into having sex when they don’t want to, I do think that at some point we may need to ask ourselves how long is too long? And out of love and caring for our partners (and because they are being loving and caring of us, it goes without saying) we may need to look inside ourselves and see what may be blocking our libido, when the more immediate and obvious reasons why our libido is gone have been gone for a while. At least that’s the point I’ve arrived at.
    • November 1 at 8:42pm · Like · 2
    • Joey: Eleanor, I agree with you completely. And I think I’m just in that awkward transition between survival mode and the new normal.
      November 1 at 8:44pm · Like · 1
    • Noa: Want to send a virtual-support Joey’s way, if I may, on BEHALF of your husband who is quite fortunate to have a partner who is at least AWARE of how he feels valued and connected. DH and I took quite some time to reach that point. When I can validate that, the “not tonight, honey” is less of a rejection. For a little while.And, I’m forced to consider our observance of the (Jewish) laws of family purity; we do not engage in intimate relations while I’m menstruating and for a week after…then it is quite strongly assumed (read: required) that relations will resume at the immediate end of that week. *I* don’t love the calendared aspect of it, nor do I love the unmakeupped, frizzy-haired, frumpily dressed Noa that emerges from that state. Yet, I can appreciate that HE does. And it’s helped me to come to terms with when and how *I* can find myself sexier (curly hair, cute tops, and rockin’ lashes) and how I have to be sure (like a responsibility to one of my ACTUAL children) to make time for sex before my time of the month rolls around again….
      November 1 at 8:50pm · Like
    • Mari: I cannot read all of this on my phone, but I did want to say that we are culturally deluded into mistaking the post partum time as being only a few months when it really lasts 1-2 years. it’s just the way humans work.I know I’m fortunate to have a guy who returned to the subject by saying, “it is just sex. we can sex up ourselves or sex up each other & sex is the most spectacular thing & all that but life is more than just sex. so it’s just sex. I’ll take it when ya wanna give it but I get it.”we talked about how right now this is this the time that I see his power in our family as being the primary source of nurturer. if he doesn’t nurture me then I cannot nurture the kids. when I’m able to nurture the kids then I am able to nurture both him & myself together <3<3
      November 1 at 10:48pm via mobile · Like · 1
    • Rori: I shared the gist of this discussion with my DH– No details–No names_ and he was initially upset that I was talking about our sex life, but then GOT it…how this topic is so hard to talk about, how hard to relate, how hard to live through and he relaxed. Then tonight…He did the dishes and came over to me at the computer and said ..” You’ve been such a good wifey…you deserve a humpa-humpa.” Which had me giggling and giggling and giggling..and open to the idea 😀:D I love that this thread breaks down so many boundaries and helps us clarify not only our thoughts but our relationships.
      (this was bolded by Yael for this blog post. Bolding is not available on FB).
      November 2 at 1:08am · Like · 7
    • Trina: lol, Rori… Your husband has the right idea: help with the dishes and then offer humor, warmth, tenderness, compassion…could be a win-win situation~
      November 2 at 8:06am · Like · 5
    • Mari: heh I do tell my guy I need some good mom porn to get me going — so when my daughter is at my sisters on weekends he cleans in his boxers with funny music & does some silly high kicks to get my attention :p:p
      November 2 at 9:53am via mobile · Like · 6
    • Animata: And just to be clear here, I was in no way condoning my friend’s (now ex-) husband’s behavior, but wanted to bring up the need for clear communication. Just because one half of the equation knows that the situation is temporary doesn’t mean that the other half is on board with the reasons. Even for those of us long-marrieds (going on 13 years here), this topic is perhaps not broached as often as it should be. (And judging from the interest and comments on this thread, it is an issue for a LOT of couples!)
      November 2 at 2:05pm · Like
    • Anne: Somehow I missed this. But no, we have this issue all the time. It’s just not on my radar between everything I need to do. I try to hang in there for him, but frankly I just don’t need it, and he doesn’t understand that. Thing is, it’s better than it was a year ago, but it still pretty much sucks.
      November 2 at 2:44pm via mobile · Like
    • Anne: Yael- I also have some input on this in relation to my original PPD diagnosis. Too long to share here, here is the link to my anonymous post on Band Back Together where I talked about how my doctor poorly addressed these issues when I was struggling.
      November 2 at 2:50pm via mobile · Like
    • Anne: And another thing, but this might just be me…. Our bedroom is the biggest room in our tiny house, with the most storage space. Therefore, it becomes the landing pad for anything and everything that needs a home or needs to be hidden in order for guests to come by (which is often.) We mean to clean it, but there’s always a distraction, or we’re both too tired. Eventually it builds up to the way it is now, and I get absolutely disgusted. We can hardly find the bed for the clean yet unfolded clothes, the dog kennels are in there, and it’s…blah. I don’t even want to sleep in there, so what on earth would make me (or him) think I could get romantic in there? So then I get into ragey, ocd cleaning fits (like now) and DH tries to stop me to get me to rest. I get mad because we both let it get that way, but he’s trying to stop me so then I get even angrier that he’s A) not helping and B)B) him distracting me over and over has led to the current condition. It’s just a big mess. So then he remembers that when he helps me out, he’s more likely to get laid, but if I don’t rip my clothes off the next time he asks, he doesn’t clean again (aside from his dishwashing duty) until I get mad. Which then starts the cycle all over again. Make up sex does not exist in my brain, so he loses on that end too. Poor thing. He tries. He really does.Wow. Rant much?
      November 2 at 4:37pm via mobile · Like · 3
    • Shoshana:  The best part of my marriage is the sex. I had a baby ten months ago and I have PPD. I’m happy to offer some suggestions. Is that okay?
      November 2 at 5:05pm via mobile · Like · 2
    • Sunny: Yes, please Shosh. I would welcome suggestions. I’m done nursing, and I still haven’t regained my mojo, ahem.
      November 2 at 5:18pm · Like · 1
    • Anne: I’m with Sunny.
      November 2 at 5:19pm via mobile · Like · 2
    • Sunny: I feel like Austin Powers in whatever movie where he lost his mojo. I’m looking for it, but I can’t find it very often.
      November 2 at 5:20pm · Like
    • Shoshana: Embrace porn. Embrace it. Embrace sexting. Send your hubby a pic. It can be just cleavage. Go with him to pick out a toy—I can give suggestions. Even if it makes you roll your eyes, buy it, send that text, send him a porn video that you like. Tell him what you like, even if you don’t like it at the moment. The back and forth of exchanging texts or emails becomes exciting. It is like hours of foreplay. Speaking of foreplay– do it. Don’t feel like you have to have actual intercourse. Make out, go down, use that new toy and then stop. Embrace letting him touch….himself. You don’t have to involve yourself physically…
      November 2 at 5:40pm via mobile · Like · 3
    • Shoshana: More then anything back and forth breeds constant conversation which breeds constant connection.
      November 2 at 5:43pm via mobile · Like · 2
    • Mari: OK, well, porn was used as one tool to abuse me as a child & later I was filmed for porn without my permission. FEMINIST porn doesn’t scare the living shit out of me, but it does still have the opposite of desired effect on my psyche & then I become physiologically incapable even if a part of me wants it. Makes for a bad bad set-up for me. I had a physically difficult time reading beyond those first words. I will say that opening up COMMUNICATION at all times of day whether we are together or apart has been the key for us. Sometimes we just touch eachother in many ways for many hours without going further. We learn a lot about each other this way & it slowly improves our lovemaking. But, no, porn is not something I can handle. If we are giving advice here now I guess I should bow out. I prefer the books where I can rip out a page that pisses me off & I’d rather not get the same visceral urge here amongst you all <3<3
      November 2 at 5:49pm via mobile · Like · 1
    • Eleanor:  Oh dear, I do hope none of us feels we need to shut this post down just yet. I do think that what works for one couple does not mean it works for another – but its so hard in words on a screen to get across a sense that we’re not preaching to each other, just describing what has worked for us. I for one have found this post hugely helpful. I haven’t agreed with everything. Some things have made me sad. Others inspired. Others mad for their writer’s sake. We’ve tried the p-stuff – way back when we didn’t really have issues. And it was actually more of a turn-off for DH. He likes his pleasures simple, direct and au natural. Apparently for him I am the biggest turn on there is. Which is nice when you’re interested. But really rather tiresome when you’re not. Back when I had a libido, I was perhaps more adventurous and willing to explore. Oh alright, I’ll just say it. Sex can be BORING. BORING. BORING.
      November 2 at 9:38pm · Like · 3
    • Rori: as in “omg…please finish because fringe is finally on hulu and I want you to go to bed” boring?…oh sister. I GOT you!
      November 2 at 9:43pm · Like · 6
    • Cecillia: I wanted to contribute more….This has been a huge issue with me always. Intimacy is hard for me. My husband tells me I am goregous everyday, is sadden when I just dont even want a hug from him. From past I am scarred and the medicines seem to be pulling me even further from any connection like that with him. It breaks his heart and mine. I am tired and drained yes….and I also have no more drive for any of that. I feel numb to that and last thing I want really. We use to send txts …use to be very foreplay…I have to say after having a baby thats crucial but there really is no connection for me lately. I’d rather sleep, cook something, paint, or sleep?? did I mention sleep? and I agree about the conversation…the more we talked the more we connected.
      November 2 at 9:47pm · Like · 2
    • Eleanor:  Rori – howling with laughter. Oh sister – when men read Yael’s blog….!!!!
      November 2 at 9:49pm · Like · 2
    • Rori: 😀:D
      November 2 at 9:50pm · Like
    • Cecillia: you give me a foot rub, back rub with no strings attached and next night or that night I may feel better 😉;),,,, a bubble bath without interruptions, not the day I have had three kids crying, dinner fails, early rise and late to bed …and cant find my sleep mask. Sleep mask on and he knows its serious bed lol
      November 2 at 9:55pm · Like · 2
    • Carli: And I dare say a record for the number of posts in a thread!!
      I’m writing this in bed next to DH who is getting his kicks off playing with his new iPad mini. Thank goodness Apple is ensuring he is being ‘looked after’ time & time again.
      By note: miss four was home two weeks ago for the whole week as she was sick with croup & a virus. (She’s usually in preschool full time). Last week mr little was sick – High temps, tired, snotty, whingy & just hard work. He’s still not well & sadly for me the fatigue & therefore lowered immune system sees me feeling wretched. So thank you Apple for helping a girl out. Many times over!!
      November 3 at 6:48am via mobile ·Like · 1
    • Joey: Guess what got DH some lovin’ last night: tons of self care for me. Girls night out, new boots I’ve been coveting for a long time, a day when I did no chores (and let the house go to shit), and oh yeah, vodka. It takes some booze to help me shut off “mommy brain.” and I have to say, ladies, DH and I both have a spring in our step today.
      November 3 at 9:30am via mobile · Like · 9
    • Miranda: Have y’all read my post about my Frankengina? I’m still so scared of sex! LOL! But yes to wine being a precursor to a good time.
      November 3 at 2:58pm · Like · 2
    • Yael Daphna Saar: Miranda, link please?
      November 3 at 3:00pm via mobile · Like
    • Miranda: Yael Daphna Saar here you go. LOL. Thinking about this experience makes me laugh at how…absurd it was. http://notsuperjustmom.com/2012/10/girl-parts-on-fire/
      November 3 at 3:02pm · Like · 1
    • Yael Daphna Saar: Wow, Miranda sorry for all the pain you had to deal with, hats off for making it so funny.
      love your way.
    •  Joey: Miranda- I am right there with you with the tearing. My OB has checked everything and says its just sensitive scar tissue. Makes it hard to look forward to sex.Also, how did I miss this post?! So f-ing hilarious. And so very painful too. Men could NEVER handle what we go through. 😉;)
      November 3 at 10:16pm via mobile · Like
    • Miranda: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that with the breastfeeding there’s not enough wine in the world to make this comfortable. So, yeah. Sex is not exactly happening right now. And men do not get it nor could they handle it.
      Sunday at 7:51am · Like
    •  Yael Daphna Saar: Thank you so much to everybody who participated in this amazing thread. The blog post is up. Share it widely but gently, okay? Lotsalove and hugs all around.

Wow. See what I mean? I hope that this blog post would be the beginning of a healing conversation for all who read it. If this touched you, Please Please Please share your thoughts in the comments. I’m hoping to hear from moms of course, but also from dads. All emotions are welcome here, and I trust you’ll keep your comments respectful.

There are a lot more amazing threads happening inside the group and any and all mamas are welcome to ask to join on this page: https://www.facebook.com/mamas.comfort.camp. If you’d like to know more about what it’s like in the group, check out this post: Welcome Hugs, Two Ways.

 

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One Response to The Sex Thread (With Code Names)

  1. […] * This section of the mommy-festo reflects my opinions, and it is also informed by a discussion about the subject of sex post -kids we are having inside the safe haven of the Comfort Camp FB group. I asked the mothers who participated in the thread for permission to share their words anonymously. That blog post is coming soon, and I’ll link to it here when it’s ready. And it is ready, you can read it here.  […]

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